It’s only fitting

It’s only fitting that I find myself at Concord hospital getting some pretty intense medical tests done.  Concord hospital for the most part, represents so much to me. It’s the place my mother first underwent the first of many operations for cancer, and ultimately it’s the place she took her last breath.

I think the enormity of the occasion together with the time I had to waste between x-rays and blood tests, gave me much to reflect on – my life and ultimate death.  Yes folks, I’m in a sombre mood and you gonna have to suck it up or leave now.

It’s not so much my death I dwell on but where I’m at in life right now and where I’ll be before I die – which will be many many years down the track I hope.

Seeing so many old people just hanging around wards in wheelchairs, runnaway hospital beds, all looking like they want an answer to their ailment, a fix or a miracle.  I don’t want to be like that. I don’t want to be that person just hanging by a thread.  Surely life isn’t that enjoyable they’d do anything and endure anything to stay alive:  Will I?

After I drove away I felt miserable with life and what it can dish out.  Come to think of it, it doesn’t dish out much.  You’re born, you go to school, maybe do more school, then you work maybe have kids, grow old, maybe even old and lonely and then you wait for death  – the ultimate frontier.  And for me, death is nothing, it’s eternal nothingness.

I saw an old lady waiting at the traffic lights. She seemed loney, going through her boring mundane daily routine:  get up, have breakfast, potter around the house, walk to the nearby chemist to get her prescription filled for whatever ailment she has.  She probably doesn’t see her kids much anymore and the grandkids are probably too hip to waste time with their old boring grandmother. I could see this story in her eyes and the way she carried herself.  Will this be me someday?

Is it that I’m so unhappy with my life that I find I dwell on these things.  Surely not?  I have a great family and great friends.  I live comfortably.  So what’s missing, what’s the one thing that’s missing that I can’t put my finger on?

Well you don’t think I know the answer do you?  I hope you didn’t expect a good ending to this story.  I could write about happy mundane shit everyday if that’s what you want, but somedays you just have to endure the sombre me.

Author: Kitty

First and foremost I'm a busy working woman but I'm also a mother, grandmother and mother-in-law. I was brought up in a small country town but I've lived and worked in Sydney for over 20 years. I'm a slack blogger because life and earning a living gets in the way.

Leave a Reply