I know it must have been a surprise to learn you have a secret half-sibling and I realise you must have many questions that will go unanswered because our parent is not here to answer them. “Why didn’t I know?” “Why didn’t they tell me? ” “Why didn’t someone tell me?” would be going through your mind. Your life was going along just fine until now where this stranger turns up and blows it apart. Everything you thought you knew, you didn’t. Your parent had a whole secret life that you didn’t know about and you question whether you knew them at all.
I get it!
What I don’t get is why you won’t reach out to me. I too am an unwilling character in this story. I was a wee baby with no voice and not asked what I need or want. To be blunt I was the one abandoned by our parent not you so why are you taking it out on me? I’m not harbouring any animosity for being given up for adoption, I too had a wonderful family who brought me up and I miss them with all my heart but I was on loan to them because they wanted to love and nurture a baby and I just so happen to be available at that time.
You might ask from ignorance “why is she bothering with a family she doesn’t know?” “why is she turning up now and causing all this turmoil?”, “Why doesn’t she go away and leave us alone?”
Most adoptees will tell you that they grow up either knowing they are adopted or like me they didn’t know. Finding out blew my world apart. “Why didn’t I know?” “Why didn’t they tell me?” “Why didn’t someone tell me?”. Same questions. The difference being is as soon as I knew I began to search for my true roots. “Who are the people that made me?” “Why didn’t they keep me?” “Where are they?” and after 10, 20 and 30 years “Why haven’t they come looking for me?”.
I had a passion to find my birth family and a unrealistic notion that if they are anything like me, they’d accept me with open hearts and open arms even though I had read on almost a daily basis adoptees being shunned by birth family and I just don’t get it. I just don’t get it and I never will!
Before you close your heart and arms forever just give me a chance. I’m a good person, a loving caring person, just ask my family and my friends. I’m not a trouble maker, I’ve never hurt anyone intentionally and I’m kinda funny, at least my grandkids think so and my best friend Karen. Although I think she is funnier, but don’t tell her I said that.
If you’re worried that I’m going to teleport myself into your life whether you want me or not, don’t be afraid as I’m a busy working women with 3 adult needy kids and 3 grandchildren that I need to see on a regular basis because I want them to grow up with wonderful memories of me like I do of my grandmothers.
So what do I want?
Acceptance, that’s all any adoptee wants. Someone to say “hello sister”, “I’m glad we finally get to meet”. Then you can go about your life as is was, albeit with the odd email or phone call to say “hello, how are you?”.
This has been a 32 year search and I know I should be happy that I found and I know I’ve had 32 years to dream about this moment but I never once questioned that my family wouldn’t accept me and I guess that was naive notion. I just ask you to consider getting to know me because I really think you’d like me!
Your half-sister with a full heart
I was a wee baby with no ability to say
Don’t give me away Mummy, I want you to stay
Please watch me grow to be clever and strong
And I’ll look after you when life does you wrong
Please keep me Mummy, I want to know you
And not meet one day through a camera lens view
12 thoughts on “Dear half-sibling”
Dear Kitty Your writing bought me to tears I’m an a 45 year old adoptee that has a art group called Adoption / Fostering Australian Art so your expression and your gift of writing I very much appreciate ! You described exactly how I feel word for word ! x
Thank you Kylie for your kind words. Being adopted is a very personal and emotional journey that only a select few, like yourself, can relate to.
Hi kitty frrom one adoptee to another I wish you well and hope they come around. So sad that people have iron hearts . We are the victims and so are they of the deceat and lies that are told to cover the shameful secrets . They should be angry at the parent that lied to them not you
Hi Debbie, I really haven’t given it enough time but I felt compelled to put my side across and I don’t have any patience but I trust all will be good.
Thank you for writing and sharing your experience. As a mom who has adopted children, I’m coming from a very different place than you in the whole adoption experience. It’s helpful to me to read your feelings. We have semi-open adoptions with our children’s birth families. Our children are adopted from foster care and the families have not always proven to be safe, but we allow them to see the kids and the kids to see them, once every year or so with us there also. It’s been challenging though. One birth family didn’t keep in touch. The other has but it’s been sporadic and difficult. But we do understand that desire our kids have to understand their roots. It’s tough though.
I couldn’t imagine what it’s like from your perspective but it sounds like what you’re doing is the only option you have. As long as the kids know why things are the way they are they’ll cope although it might not seem like it at times. Seems to me you’re doing a great job.
Hi Kitty, I am in a similar situation to you. I have three siblings who won’t reach out because our shared father won’t allow it. This is the biggest challenge of my adoption and one that I struggle to move on from. This article could have been from me, Beautifully written thank you.
Thank you Sarah your lovely compliment. I feel for your situation. For the life of me I don’t know why people think it’s OK to treat us like the villains when we’re the victims. I have very strong views in this regard and there is absolutely NO reasonable response that condones when we’re treated negatively.
I just read this and cried! I’m 51 and was adopted by two wonderful parents when I was three weeks old. I’ve always known I was adopted, but would have never considered finding my birth parents because I knew it would hurt my adopted ones. They’re both deceased now, and it’s my time to find out more. I know who I am, just not who I was. I just sent in a DNA sample. I’m nervous and excited. I worry about acceptance and rejection. Thank you for sharing your experience. I pray they open their hearts to a precious soul who knew no better. There can never be too much love, but rejection hurts.
Thank you for your lovely message. My adoption wasn’t confirmed until I was 21. I’ve got a blog on the how it was confirmed, it’s a slightly funny story. Anyway, I started plotting my search the moment I got off the phone to the social worker who in a round about way confirmed my adoption. My search was done without the knowledge of my adopted Mother (my adopted Father was already dead at this stage), I couldn’t bring myself to tell her because I knew it would hurt her terribly but I didn’t want to waste any time and I have no patience. Anyway, good luck with your DNA results, it’s very exiting to uncover both your genealogy and see you actually have relatives even if they are 4th cousins. I’m happy to help you through the maze of DNA searching and give lots of advice on what sites to use in your searching you can message me on my Facebook page, link in the menu bar.