This blog is a personal account of what it’s like to battle depression. You see, I’m a sufferer and have done so for around 12 years.
It’s not the type of depression where I have suicidal thoughts and I don’t have voices in my head, only mine. But when I’m going through a period of depression, I find it hard to be motivated, I find it hard to get off the lounge, I find it hard to put dark thoughts aside and be positive. I feel worthless, stupid and on the most part useless.
Along with the dark thoughts come obsessive compulsive behaviors – going over and over past situations, thoughts or conversations. This compulsion goes something like Abbot and Costello’s Who’s on First? routine made famous in later years by Raymond Babbitt in the movie “Rain Main”. It drives me crazy but I can’t stop.
The physical aspects are stomach cramps, headaches, lack of concentration, memory blocks, light headiness, leg cramps, neck stiffness and the list goes not depending on the severity of the depression.
I know the triggers – stress, confrontation, frustration, uncontrollable situations, disappointment, sadness, anger and anxiety. When I’m exposed to one of more of these feelings, depression comes knocking at the door soon after and there’s no shutting it out.
I’ve tried anti-depressants but the side affects are worse than the depression itself.
I feel it’s arrival and I feel it living inside me. It’s in the pit of my stomach and inside my head. You won’t see it, you won’t know it’s with me. I’ll still be quick witted, funny and up-beat and even I will be fooled to think it’s passed. Then I’ll walk away, and the dark descends and I’ll be back in that place – “who’s on first?”
Having depression is bad enough but the biggest problem people with depression have, are the people around them who don’t understand, who don’t want to understand and on the most part just think you’re whining. I always get the “just don’t worry about it” and “don’t think about it” or “don’t waste your time worrying about it” or “get over it”.
Oh really, thanks for that – I’ll just stop worrying. How could I be so stupid. Thanks for your advice! All happy now! It was that easy!