I have a confession to make – I’m a backseat driver! I’m a terrible back seat driver when I’m slightly hungover and an even worse one when slightly hungover and hungry. Luckily for MOTH today I have both a hangover and I’m hungry.
Here is an account of today’s 10 minute drive. All spoken words appear in “quotations”. My thoughts appear in blue italic. Excuse the language.
1 minute after leaving home
Me: “You missed the short cut”.
MOTH: “Oh yeah”
Less than 1.5 minutes from leaving home and MOTH misses another turn
Me: “Where are you going? You should have turned down that street” I say in a irritated voice
MOTH: “It doesn’t matter we’ll just doddle down here.”
Me thinks: It’s f#*king Saturday, we have 1,000 things to do and you want to doddle.
Less than 2 minutes from leaving home and MOTH misses yet another turn
Me: “Go down that street so we can get back on track”.
MOTH: “Do you want to drive? If not, shut up.”
Me thinks: Well I should have driven, you certainly can’t drive Miss f#*king Daisy and we’re heading south when we should be heading west. Just turn sometime this year.
Less than 4 minutes from leaving home and we’re approaching an intersection and the lights are about to turn yellow at any second and we’re doddling along.
Me thinks: Move it for christ sake. The f#*king lights gonna turn yellow and you’re going to stop like you usually do just to piss me off. MOVE IT – NOW.
Less than 5 minutes from home and approaching a right turn and the lights are about to turn yellow and we’re still f#*king doddling along.
Me thinks: OMG another f#*king green light and where not gonna make it through- FOOT DOWN – MOVE IT- GOOOOOO
As we sit at the lights MOTH sees a fish and chip shop for sale and says something about a strange place for a food shop
MOTH: “yadda yadda, blah blah…..”
Me looking towards the shop and thinks: Boy I’m hungry, what I’d do for a greasy chico roll.
MOTH still rambling on about the shop….
MOTH: “Yadda yadda, blah blah”.
Me thinks: You couldn’t go any slower could you? Because I’m sure if you did- WE’D F#*KING STOP. I think I’m having an aneurysm.
Less than 6 minutes from home and we miss yet another f#*king turn and we’re still f#*king doddling along
Me: “You’ve missed the turn now we’re heading back home”.
MOTH: Stops and turns around…..
Me thinks: I can’t believe this. We’ve been here hundreds of times. What the hell’s he thinking? Surely I’d get off on a sympathy vote if I strangled him? I need to go home and lie down.
Less than 10 minutes from leaving home, we arrive at our destination and MOTH buys me a big monitor screen so I can write loving blogs about him.
Thanks MOTH, what would I do without you?
Me thinks: Let me count the f#*king ways!